Even I, A Dumb*ss, Can See Israel’s Playbook
Why Israel is ___.
Israel is trying to seize territory in Lebanon.
It doesn’t take a genius to put that together, in case it wasn’t obvious by the fact that I, famed dumbass Joseph Walsdorf, just said it. Also, the Israeli defense minister said that’s what they’re going to do! Not much detective work required here.
The IDF claims it is establishing a buffer zone to create a stronger offensive position against Hezbollah attacks. But something doesn’t sit right with me, because I feel as though I’ve seen this movie before. Think dumbass… think!
Has Israel ever bombed another territory, demanded the citizens therein evacuate, then moved in its own troops to occupy the land?
OHHHHHH THAT’S RIGHT! Gaza.
Again, you don’t have to be a wunderkind to come to this realization. Even I, legendary dunce Joseph Walsdorf, figured it out. Plus, the Israeli defense minister already said they’re trying to replicate their actions in Gaza too!
Well, actually, he said,
“All houses in villages near the Lebanese border will be destroyed, in accordance with the model used in Rafah and Beit Hanoun in Gaza, in order to permanently remove the threats near the border to northern residents."
And it’s that model I want to examine here. What is “The Gaza Model”?
Is it bombing civilian targets?
Is it being supported by the United States, no matter what you do?
Yeah, apparently it’s that. And more! Whether fighting Hamas or Hezbollah, Israel has used terrorist threats as justifications to seize control over the land it wants. Defending yourself is one thing, but it’s hard to see these actions as just defensive moves.
Forgive me if this analogy is in poor taste, but to an imbecile like myself, it makes sense.
When Dennis Rodman gets a rebound off the backboard, he’s playing defense. Once he lobs the ball to halfcourt so MJ can take it to the hoop, it’s not defense anymore! That’s an offense. And if the announcer called Jordan’s inevitable unprotected three-pointer a “great defensive move,” we’d all raise an eyebrow or two. Even me! And I’m a dumb, dumb, stupid head!
When the U.S. and Iran came to their tentative ceasefire, I wondered if that agreement would include Lebanon and Israel. Then Israel answered my question by killing over 300 people in ten minutes of intense aerial bombardment. That’s not defense! If the Knicks sat down and said, “We’re done playing,” then Scottie Pippen launched a tomahawk dunk into their basket, wouldn’t that feel a bit ill-intentioned?
I’m trying to deduce what’s next, though. What comes after all the houses in the buffer zone are demolished and Israel is positive there’s not a Hezbollah presence there? If only there were another model I could look to, a template of sorts….
I GOT IT!
The West Bank.
Israel will try to gain permanent control of as much of southern Lebanon as it can. And then, to quote the line your baby cousin blandly delivers in the third act of his school’s Thanksgiving pageant, “The settlers arrive.”
Before Israel controlled the West Bank, it seized it in the Six-Day War. Then, after years of problems, the Oslo Accords placed us where we are now, with Israeli settlers moving onto Palestinian lands. And since our president seems very inclined to broker “solutions” between Israel and Palestine, I bet we’ll soon see something eerily similar in Gaza.
Then, once Trump is done trying to big dick Iran (which is quite challenging for him since his penis has been mostly consumed by the nest of cancerous pubes that colonized his pelvic region), maybe he’ll spit out another peace plan that allows Israel to plant their flag in the place formerly known as southern Lebanon.
As I wrote this, the U.S. is preparing to bring Israel and Lebanon to the table so they can ensure their conflict does not ruin the Iran deal.
I wonder what, and more specifically where, Israel will ask for?
Beats me, after all, I’m just one colossally dumb dude.