Will There Ever Be A “Right Time” To Have Children?
More Like Vasecto-ME. Am I Right?!
“Go to college, get married, and have kids” is what they told us, but HOW?! Ok, I know how physically and biologically, but once the child is here (around the time Republicans stop caring about them), it seems to get harder to raise a child as the years go on.
I’m 37 years old with no wife, no children, and an affinity for tapas. When my parents were at this age, they had three kids, one on the way to college, a house, a dog, and a ton of debt. Thanks, George W!
They were living the concept of the American dream! One that I thought I wanted to follow. I had my whole life planned with being married by 24 and a child the year after, I wanted to be a young dad, but reality started kicking in that I won’t procreate nearly at the level of Nick Cannon and Elon Musk.
Millennials were sold a dream, and I tried to follow the script. I graduated with student loan debt and a degree in acting. What could go wrong? The idea of the “perfect life” started feeling less like a dream and more like a stressful nightmare. How the hell could I raise a child?!
I feel like so many of my peers are investing in plants and pets while asking the same question, and the common response I hear is, “I want kids, but this world feels a little too crazy right now.” It feels like we are in the opening scene of Idiocracy; the idea of having children feels reckless, unless you got it like that! It’s no secret that children are very expensive. I’ve watched my parents have hard pockets of time financially. I swore that if I have children, I want to be completely ready; i.e., be upper middle class.
Ha! Upper middle class with a degree in acting! If only I had figured out streaming and making online dances earlier. Unfortunately, we live in a world of inflation with a minimum wage that doesn’t match the cost of living. The costs of raising children exploded, with child care being so high that you might as well get a second job as a nanny. Food and clothes are already expensive, now I have to shop for someone who is growing rapidly?! When I see families in the airport or my friends with children struggling, my first thought is always “YUCK!”
I barely have McDonald’s money for myself. Remember the dollar menu?! I’m riddled with anxiety already, and having to be the ATM for mini versions of me seems like a personal hell that I don’t want to live in. Being a gig worker and actor means I live in waves of “feast or famine”, so when I’m booking and getting paid, I believe that I could raise a family of four. But on the downswing, I’d probably have to sell my least favorite kid, Hansel & Gretel style.
Healthcare is a prominent issue across the country, and while we are a developed nation, we are still miles behind other countries in terms of education and healthcare. We all know children are living water balloons filled with germs, and at any moment, they can get sick or break a bone. I barely go to the doctor because I’m already dead inside, how the hell am I going to pay for an accident-prone mini me? There’s only so much ‘Tussin I can put on it.
I’m also worried about the inevitable societal collapse. Global warming, wars, mass shootings, and Labubus are enough reasons to never leave my home, especially after paying rent. Bringing a child into this world feels irresponsible when every day we live under a regime that actively hates us, wants to take our rights away, a climate that’s getting exponentially worse, and everyone is dumb as hell. I don’t want some dummy’s kid breathing near my reflection of perfection.
What if MY kid is the asshole? I watched Inside The Manosphere recently, and I dreaded the idea of having a son that, no matter how much he gets hugged and loved, he’ll take a wrong turn on the internet and become a red-pilled, mouth breathing, misogynist? Or worse, an improviser?! I can’t “Yes, and” my boy being a tool that only speaks in the latest TikTok vernacular.
That’s small potatoes compared to having a daughter. The idea of being a “girl dad” is a dream… in another country. Women’s rights are being stripped away at an alarming rate. Men, for the most part, are monsters, and Black women are the most educated yet disrespected group in this country. Bringing a daughter into this world would be like throwing her into the deep end of the pool and hoping she’s the next Lilly King.
Lastly and admittedly, I’m selfish as hell, y’all. I very much enjoy being unbothered and having my time to myself. I’ve seen people with children who seem like they would rather be anywhere else than with their children. I don’t want to be the parent who is locked in on their phone while at the park or hanging out at happy hour to take the inevitable edge off of dealing with my future children. What if I don’t want to hear about their day, Roblox, and active shooter drills? I love to unplug and do nothing, but with children, there is none of that until whatever bedtime I establish, and I never keep up with it.
As the great Whitney Houston once said, “I believe the children are the future”. But I’m worried about what that future looks like. I have a glimmer of hope since working at Guerrilla Press. I see there are more progressive ideas being pushed, and people are fighting for the future we need. A country with free childcare and universal healthcare, that isn’t being run by pedophiles and corporate greed, feels like a good starting point for us to “Yes, and”.
So to all of my thirty-somethings, constantly being asked: “When are you having kids?” I see you, and I hear you, and you're as loud as joints.